NNWIJ: Paranormal Entity (2009)

Director: Shane Van Dyke

Notable Cast: ……

Rating: R

Review: Well, if you don’t watch Syfy and aren’t familiar with the Asylum production company, let me fill you in. Asylum rips off any movie with a big enough gross and releases a straight to DVD stinker in hope’s you’ll accidentally rent it (Alien Vs. Hunter/Snakes on a Train/I Am Omega).  Well, out of nothing but a mixture of sheer curiosity and utter boredom, I decided to watch their Paranormal Activity rip off Paranormal Entity. Centering around Thomas Finley (Van Dyke), his mother Ellen (Fia Perera), and his sister Samantha (Erin Marie Hogan); we are supposedly watching discovered tapes showing the deaths of Ellen and Samantha and the supernatural phenomena that caused them.  But where does Paranormal Entity go wrong first?  In the beginning text, the movie tells you exactly what happens to each family member.  Thomas calls the cops and upon arrival arrest him for the murder of his mother and the rape and murder of his sister.  He then goes to jail and commits suicide.  Yes.  Hide yo’ kids, hide yo’ wife, hide yo’ sister, this demon’s rapin’ errrrybody!  So, what motivation is there left to watch? Well because nothing is what it seems of course…spoooooky!  But not to get your hopes up, there is NO payoff what soever in this film.  So much time is spent with Thomas running around the house trying to find the source of a creepy noise, only to find his sister standing in a new area of the house.  That’s it.  It took him 15 minutes to find her in the attic, only to snap her out of it and take her back to bed.  Mmmmm….scary?  Also, Paranormal Entity takes the cheap way out of every scene but never showing exactly what is happening.  In one night taping, the “demon” turns the camera around so the screen goes black while he torments Samantha.  Another time, while Samantha and Ellen are at a motel, apparently Sam is pulled off the bed by the demon.  How do we know this?Why because Ellen tells us the next day of course.  We never see any impressive effects or scary visuals, which is what the Paranormal Activity franchise has delivered in two movies so far. My film major friend and I sat here and laughed as we thought up simple solutions that could have given better effects just using the cheapest methods possible. The sad part is our feasible ideas would have made this film tenfold better.  Don’t even get me started on the jokes of actors that were involved because hey, it’s Asylum, what do you expect?  Not to mention Samantha was shown in the sexiest lingerie and found in the most compromising places every time (cough cough bath tub).  If nothing, Paranormal Entity was a way for director Shane Van Dkye to get his young actress naked just for the hell of it.  There is a reason Asylum gives all its movies to Syfy and has the reputation it earned.  Because they suck.  A lot.  Sad part is I read an article that states the whole production company earns millions a year in profit, so can I really say much as I sit on my laptop barely earning an income?

Netflix Rating: 1/5

About Matt Donato

Co-Founder of the Certified Forgotten Universe. Editor, Podcaster, Writer, and pretty rad dude. Don't feed him after midnight, but beers are encouraged. Twitter/Instagram/Letterboxd: @DoNatoBomb.
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