NNWIJ: Stan Helsing (2009)

Director: Bo Zenga

Notable Cast: Diora Baird, Steve Howey, Kenan Thompson, Leslie Nielsen

Rating: R

Review:  We’ll, I figured I’d go for a mindless comedy because it was so early in the morning when I turned it on.  But mindless doesn’t even begin to describe Stan Helsing.  I should have known what I was in for when I saw “From the executive producer of Scary Movie,” the downwardly spiraling franchise from hell.  This “parody” film follows Stan Helsing, yes a descendant of Van Helsing, and his friends as they try to escape Stormy Night Estates, which is taken over by horrible spoofs of some of the most famous horror villains of all time (Pleatherface, Fweddy, Michael Crier, Mason, Needlehead, and Lucky). Oh I get it, they all sound like the names of the….Please, if this is what spoof movies have come to I’m officially done with the genre.  All the monsters were also dressed in a mocking manner, like Fweddy who wears a Flavor Flav clock, a Charlie Brown sweater, and a metal hand that sports utensils like a fork and spoon.  Or Pleatherface, who uses a leaf blower instead of a chainsaw.  Just, ugh, painful.  There was not an ounce of intelligence in this film. Every “joke” included either pooping, peeing, dick jokes, vagina jokes, or sexual jokes. Honestly, I laughed once.  One time.  In an hour and a half movie.  And that was only because I saw Leslie Nielsen, and I was laughing at lines he said in other movies. It takes a lot of talent to give the late great legend not a single line even he can turn funny.  No laughs, no wit, no parodying ANYTHING.  Unless parodying now means giving Freddy Krueger diarrhea, the director really missed his mark here.  The only thing that Stan Helsing did right was casting Diora Baird and dressing her in a more than revealing native american costume, at least giving us something to look at.  The scream queen smokes up the screen, enough that I didn’t turn the movie off when I most certainly should have 10 minutes in.   Not to mention Kenan Thompson is a main character.  Isn’t that enough to scare you away?  Don’t watch this.  Stan Helsing, what you’ve just made me watch is one of the most insanely idiotic things I have ever seen. At no point in your rambling, incoherent film were you even close to anything that could be considered a rational script. Everyone in world is now dumber for having watched you. I award you no points, and may God have mercy on your soul.

Netflix Rating: I Clicked Not Interested.  Aka: 0/5


-Diora Baird….you need to be in more films.  Like, all of them.

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About Matt Donato

I love all things film. I'll watch any genre, any actor, at any time. This whole film critic thing is a passionate hobby for now which I'm balancing with working in the business world, but hey, someday, who knows?
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