Notable Cast: Corri English, Sandra McCoy, Michael J. Pagan, Corey Seiver, Alice Greczyn, Eliot Benjamin
Review: Haha, what a shit fest. Know how you have to sift through garbage to find a few of those shining gems in the Watch Instantly library? Here’s a perfect example of that garbage. Nothing could be done to polish this horror turd. Plot: A group of teenagers break into a haunted house before it opens, only to release an evil spirit that brings the house alive. Now, the kids have to navigate through the haunted house before the spirits kill them using their own fears. BUM BUM BUM! But there is no horror fun to be had with House of Fears. The production value is fine, which makes the awfulness even more inexcusable. It was like they took dookie and covered it in gold. Sure, it’s nice and shiny on the outside, but inside it’s still freakin’ dookie! The effects were lame, the acting was atrocious, the kids used zero logic, the deaths were un-inventive, and the script was worse than some pretentious college kid’s creative writing assignment. Every single line was a freakin’ cliché and made me want to gag. The only way the film even tried to scare you was by using jump tactics, and even they were obvious. Most of the deaths happened off-screen, which takes away half the fun of a slasher flick. I want my deaths bloody and my gore sickening. Isn’t that why us horror nerds put up with asinine stories and struggling actors? So why take away the fun part and have the kids dragged off-screen and dub in a crappy knife-into-watermelon sound effect?? And the electrocution death? Kid gets thrown into grate and dies by shaking around for like 5 seconds and falling. Boom, dead. SO LAME! And seriously, these are the dumbest kids ever. The first girl to die gets separated from the group by tripping and losing them. But when she trips, no one stops, they keep running. SHE WAS A INCH BEHIND THEM! THEY BASICALLY SAW HER FALL! WHY DO YOU NOT STOP AND WAIT A SECOND LIKE A NORMAL HUMAN?? Too many moronic moments, even for a dim-witted horror film. When making a horror movie, all directors should use this as a “What Not To Do.” House of Fears doesn’t even celebrate mediocrity. It celebrates “Let’s Make A Horror Movie For The Hell Of It And See What Happens.” THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS!
Netflix Rating: 1/5